I guess my question of there is a question is how bad does it have to be until its okay to decide to leave. Dont get back Once a cheat will always b a cheat. I have kept contact with my ex, but only talking maybe once every month as she does not want regular contact, but says she wants to remain friends. What do I have to acknowledge in order for me to understand how she expects me to say or do or act. As is for most infatuation stages, but we truly fell in love with each other, mainly because we are so different from each other, it was exciting. but yeah me being in contact was wrong . Hi dr, Im so deeply in love with a guy I meet online, but we never met yet personal, because we are staying in different provinces. Then he had a tendency to want to have sex and Id tell him O,you just want my body. Shes started to talk to me a bit but is obviously not interested in talking about getting back together. I hate to keep saying therapy in this column but I guess thats why God created therapists. How can I make him forgive me for what I did and how can I make him,fall for me again :( HELP ASAP ;(. He loves me and I get moments of deep sadness because of what Ive doneplease help me because I regret it all and I love him so much.I feel tortured. I would quote Elie wiesel here "Opposite of love is not hate its indifference" So you have already crossed half a way you don't "don't care" about that person. I was angry at her at first then went to begging all in the course of the same day. Even though i knew him. He doesnt see a problem with it and says it help the pain and his sleep. I dont want to ruin a good thing but I also dont want to be unfair. His face was deeply flushed & his mouth was pulled into a tense thin line. I also have put up barrel and I am a very strong lady that I know going through the process will hurt but, staying here is hurting more. It may seem that the person you love hates you right now, but more often than not, they still care deep down. Be a man and stuff it. We click off very well and slowly feelings develop. I tried using that. She had told me she wants to see what is out there abd eventually were might get back together but at the same time days we will get back together. I love him, as my spouse and the father of my children, but I want that in love feeling back and Im having trouble opening myself up again to him in order to be able to feel that. But my questions here are, do you think therapy will help in our situation? He has texted me everyday since I moved out about mostly neutral things but hes still making contact. Something about his confidence was a compete turn on for me. Our marriage has been rocky ever since. I dont know why she didnt jump at the opportunity for divorce when I put it on the table. My husband turned to drinking and abused me physically, verbally, and emotionally. Me, having an anxiety attack, says the other guy. Anyway, my real question is this. Hi Beth, I am 25 years old I was with my boyfriend for quite sometime we lived together. 2. Hello, Ive been with the same guy for 5 years weve been married for one. I feel like such a fool no matter what happens next. Dear Memers i need your advise i have been in a relationship my this guy for one yr. at first he used to communicate with me daily but in the last three months he stop. This article focuses on two people who are genuinely in tune to each other. and i accept my mistake that i have been a brat and lied to him. Being with my daughters father would mean simply coexisting in a loveless relationship but being financially secure. This isnt as illogical as it sounds: keeping a distance creates an artificial feeling of safety. Then is it to late to save my marriage and get my husband back because hes so in love with this other woman. I know this is a case of not realizing what you have until its gone, but I honestly realized what I had when we were together but was regrettably willing to risk it as I was yearning for new life experience while Im young. Can you give me a few words of advise? You can imagine that us being young and stupid have been through pretty much anything you can think of. Just please read it again if you forgot and give me your honest advice. He seems to be in selfish state of mind and thats okay, but dont call me friend or tell others that you still want to marry me and dont even act like it. He left again the following week and we didnt talk again. Because of the way I had been acting and treating him the past year. You must be patient, toowith your spouse and with yourself. now he got a promotion in another city and the company provides living accommodation there for him so he only comes home every two weeks. In fact, be sure the type of therapy you go to will do exactly that. Ww have fallen into a vicious circle. for me my ex never mattered. I guess I am looking for advice, and just wanted to express what is happening to me and I found this article and though it was fantastic! I have been with my bf for almost 2 years. Even though you didnt actually cheat with this male friend, what you did sounds like spite and that is not healthy for a marriage. My need of understanding the whys of his emotional affair with our mutual friend threaten to destroy any hope of reconciliation. I lost my job and began looking for work where her new job was. And Im constantly irritated by him, which in turn makes me super mean. Good luck with turning that around. I wish he had the ability in him to see that the girl that he says is his best friend is actually not who she appears to be. It seemed or I felt like it went from being ours,us,we to everything was his or my house type of attitude. I had always been a normal person but then my H and I met. I keep telling him that trust can be rebuilt and that I am going to try and be better person for myself, for him, for us and for his girls. Your date will also see what kind of person you are by how well you can ride a bike, which will be a good way to gauge if shes right for you or not without having to sit down and actually have a conversation with her. but his actions makes me mad. I want to be with him but hes not doing anything to gain his trust back. Thanks. I fell back into the same hole as 3 years ago. Mom idealized the ex wife and son likely feels like a failure in moms eyes. I told him how she has been a constant problem in my relationship with her ex, along with my guys mom. The stress and uncertainty of employment and household finances has made the past 10 weeks very difficult, I recently discovered thru the our cell phone carriers family plan of late night texting and phone calls to her boyfriend from college. You need to understand who you really are before trying to present who you think you are to someone else. I will never use again. It means hes already around the corner waiting for u to get money and come out. I dont need you to tell us what you did to him. You've learned to become someone who doesn't do things that you hate. I was self-sabotaging & I was not completely in-love when we got married & I felt like he couldnt hurt me. What we had resonates with what you had with your partner we were a perfect match in every way. This was totally out of the blue. The word could get out that you have made changes! | And a no-repeat is a given-repeated hurt is something that even the mot patient person would hate! theres this guy liked me and we both fell in love with each other but its been like that we were 7 months together. Later the same night, after we put our son to bed, in my mind, Ive convinced myself that there was enough negativity in the world, and that I didnt want to contribute to that, and this was the woman I vowed to cherish forever, so I passionately kissed and made love to my wife right there. So God knows what you did to the man but I lost interest in women. It hurts and it will hurt. It actually scares him because its so unlike him. So i ignored her text until 2 days later and replied No. Anyway, please see an MFT together. What should I do? Hes hurt me so bad and he wont even talk to me or answer questions that I have. She wold smile and tell me to just shut up. I try to talk with her with different apps she talk with me for-awhile and she either uninstall the app or block me for no reason. The one thing I wish I could change about him is his inability towards insight. Then he said he has matured and changed and wants something new thats not me. The love of my life wouldnt even hear me out, or let me apologize to his face or consider forgiveness. Here is a list of crisis resources that may be helpful: Yet, shes in controversial love with her baby father. Part two: How you feel about the other person. I confronted him about it and the other women. I realize that Im making this about me by even asking this question, and that I need to make this about him right nowwhat he needs to try and heal. Dr. Deb with all this being the case can I prove to him that was not truly me and I can make him happy. Could I have your opinion on the whole situation, thanks. We had loaned her our 1 vehicle to her in the interim so that her mother & step-father could use her car. I asked him what I could do to make up for it and he said figure it out. We talked about it a little and he just keeps telling me to figure it out. It is harder to curse someone after you have asked God to bless them. (with many racy messages and pics, that linger in my mind) I still loved and missed her so much. [7] DONT be needy!! i ask for meetup face to face , he avoided. Then he told me , he really didnt and that he didnt feel any urges to talk or anything. We struggled with this issue as one of our only fights over the course of 3-4 yrs. Goes he share productive quality time with them? I owe him that much, I owe him happiness..even if it isnt with me. He makes it seem like hes too busy for me now. He says that I dont do anything for his to trust me, what am I suppose to do? And he didnt take it. Everything was more than great, both of us were emotionally comfortable and deeply involved in our school responsibilities, all while still devoting enough time to each other to make a great relationship. I gave him the space I knew he needed. My husband was working in his workshop on her step-fathers car which had been brought in for repairs at the time I made this discovery. I had been texting him now I am not going to. Not until we can start counseling and actually get some help with our relationship. You are on the right track. I had a girlfriend the first time I met her and the relationship with my then-girfriend wasnt going anywhere. So I moved on and started dating and net someone really amazing, very ambitious, sweet, smart And about a month in a half later. It really hurt me so bad too. I started to fuss, snap, yell and put him down on a regular basis. w/o details I cant say much other than that it usually leads to big trouble. but the trust is gone in this relationship dr. and the worst part was he got to know from him that we were in touch . Stay away from this guy. Or mayb im sick Help plz. His friend has emotionally abused me and I dont understand why my partner cant consider this. She tells me that she wants to stay with me but now she is in doubt on her feelings on the long term. I tried my best to avoid him and the relationship conversations but I wasnt always successful. We had made promises to each other the first day we met physically; both of us vowed to get in shape and improve ourselves. Over time I joined a car club. I assured her she was important to me. I want him home more. He told me months ago that we were headed towards this and I said Id stop the bad behaviors, but I didnt. When I finally gave in to the idea, we couldnt find the money. I have cheated on this amazing creature not once but four times over the course of our relationship causing me to loose friends, loose his trust, and respect for myself as a human being. I need some help. She began borrowing money from me almost weekly for work expenses. My life is complete with him in it. to get my husband back into my life.He s a good guy and good husband too. I am so pleased I found your blog! I keep worrying that the love I had for him is gone and it will never be the same. I also, have a temper & it stems from hurt feelings and I can admit that I reacted instead of having a mature response and when I want to talk about things I wanted to discuss it then, not wait but since weve both grown upI realize that he is a man that I do want to try and see if we can work it out.otherwise I am not just going to be an ex-wife who comes over eats & has sex with a man if this is not going anywhere for us both. He feels like he was also hurt when I travelled alone so he doesnt feel like he has to prove himself much to get me back. Someone help :(. One thing you do mention is that her bottling things up irritates you. I have been you and I dn t and it didn t eventually nd well. I almost never have any sleep. I mean I know what I need and what I need to do but it is all consuming and confusing. she just makes me super happy and i cant stop spending time with her or being with her. I didnt tell him the truth about it, I just kept saying that it didnt happen. Brogaard, B. My husband felt he had fulfilled his part but I was slacking with my end. Hi C After talking with her and picking away to try to understand what is bothering her she has told me that she does not love me intimately anymore but she loves me as the son of our Father. I do work by Skype, myself. This is exactly where I/we are at. Im so heartbroken I dont know if i should let him goi cannot go on feeling this way.I used to be a happy go lucky person. A lot of my self worth and the way I give and receive love is tied up in physical validation. Is this a faze Im going through triggered by the anxiety? The brand that you are going to seems to not be a good fit for you. Before we started dating, we were really good friends and have a lot in common. Sexting and such is escapism. I wanted her sympathy becuz I have falling in love with her about a year passed and she finally told me she loved me and I was so happy I forgot about the lie and we been dating for more than 2 years and then the lie came out and I confessed the lie and now our relationship is on the rock because of the lie. She begged me for the first time that she had no money for the week and really need it and after this she would never ask me for anything. since january we are still living in the same house as we co own. I married a wonderful man who would have given me the world but unfortunately as soon as we married and came back from our honeymoon it seemed like night and day. I do love him. I cant get over the fact that he took me for granted when I have been nothing but good to him and accepted him with and love his child, unlike his ex whom he wanted to marry but she treated him like crap. There is no way I could make a suggestion w/o knowing what you are learning from your life coach and therapist. nobody. No youre right sorry I should have been a little more specific. The fact is that Im really not sure and this attitude doesnt help me make my mind. It is big and should not be minimized. We also had dinner with his sisters and her(the same one he wrote) and I didnt even know she was an ex. What should i do? THAT would require couples counseling. I know. What do you think I should do? 1. She said i was not there for her and I would push her away and that is why she cheated on me and have gave up on us. If it was not fear but your own low self esteem, then THAT is what you need to work on in therapy. Until these funny things get 110% cleared up, I would not trust him no matter how nice he is to you. Hi Dr, It is supposed to help you get those feelings back. The problem to me seems like you cant separate in your mind the good man from the bad things he is doing. If you truly love him amd want to keep your relationship, so you must act quickly! With a little insight, you can easily tell whether someone is a soulmate or a twin flame. I resent him to the point where Im losing the love I have for him and I cant help it. I really want to work things out, he is the man I am madly in love with but I dont know what to do. Because when you do that, youve created true intimacy. They recently split due to partner one finding partner two looking for hookers and indulging in drugs so partner one calls for space.. In a series of studies, Vivian Zayas and Yuichi Shoda found that people don't just love or hate significant others. He described that he could not get over me so he tried to hate me, which he also could not do. But eventually ended with drawn out, heart felt goodbyes to one another. when i talk he will reply i know but i guess he needs sometime? Weve been fighting a lot lately because he says I need to change the way I am, and to gain his trust. Please know that there is help available! Dear Dr Deb I have been unfaithful to my wife for 10 years. It felt like we lived in a safe nest away from the harshness of the world. It shocked me to the core and 6 months of thinking I dont love him anymore, has made me not want to be with him anymore. Before we became official we were casually dating for about 4 months. On the other hand, he seems to be stuck in a pity party. Please know you are not alone. I spent a lot of time with my now-ex and realized that she was more marriage material than my then-girlfriend, so I broke up with her and got with my ex 3 months later. why cant he see that. I want to be the rock she can lean on.. She would tell people that I would always only be the stupid girlfriend nothing more because she would be the on,y wife he would ever have. I see absolutely no reason to keep up conversation with her anymore. What can I do to earn a chance to fix what I have ruined. . I have developed a very intense course in all of this which will shorten the process, but the bottom line is that until you have gone through what I describe above, you havent really worked through these past issues. She invited me to a wedding months ago and said the clothing was informal. She is my first real long term relationship but its mainly because Im very specific on who I want to give myself too. At this point I do not know what to do. Me and my ex were dating for about 5years and 3 months. Meeting my husband had set me in motion into becoming a independent, healthy individual after 10 years of neglecting myself. Did you try that? Ive been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 3 months. How do we both go about getting trust back? He told me a few nights ago he doesnt love me anymore. Were 3 weeks now into our break but she has contacted me just to talk about finances, I could hear the frustration and anger. wait ? We are also very different so I dont know why we held on to each other this long but I also know that I couldnt go on without him. I realize I have questioned everything he does and turned around everything he said. Although opposites do attract, the fundamental, deep-down attraction comes from a reflection of oneself. So I gave her money every week for 2 yrs straight. Then one day I found that he communicates with his ex still. No one deserves that or to be given a second chance. If you dont remember the paragraph I wrote you Oct 1 @ 7pm. Going into this relationship I did not realize how little I knew about being in a serious relationship and I made a lot of rookie mistakes, he says I was too condescending, I said the wrong things AMD wrong time, I said things you shouldnt say not only to tour partner but to a man who at the time was struggling financially and with his self esteem, and he says I was selfish and did not think of him enough when he was at his lowest. She never cursed me out. Im dwelling on it far longer than he has, but weve had issues in the past when we first dated. Ive had a very similar experience when i was married with kids. But THANK YOU for understanding I know now that this problem that Im unable to correct yet is Real. Naturally or unnaturally, the new baby in our life led to decreased intimacy. How can I put the hurt aside and go back to loving him like I use to? We started dating after she got out of a 3 year relationship in which the guy cheated on her. Is he happy? I feel ultimate guilt, shame, disgust with myself, sorrow for hurting him and his mom And more. A good partner will listen to you, and do their best to accommodate or help you through it. I do love her still but I am tired of back and forth. I was upset seeing tears running down like infant. Then texts 20mins later saying she is confused and doesnt know what she wants. The next day she began an online relationship with an old high-school fling from India (we went to boarding school), their relationship was very sexual and they exchanged pictures and videos, I was aware of the whole thing and read and saw everything. I know hes not the right partner for me. Add to that financial difficulties, job changes, and medical issues and the stress on our marriage just compiled. Thank you so much. Shes an ESFP. We talked about and he just wasnt ready, I gave in, I had gotten a divorce from my husband if 13 years. Then he came by my house later to pick up his laptop but I wasnt able to log out of Facebook. No one can live a life without them. No matter what you try to tell yourself. or i just thought so. I try to tell him Im doing fine, I keep busy and having a social life. . My question is: How can we move from here? I also understand why he wants to spend time with someone else because being around me has been difficult and exhausting for a very long time. I just didnt have the evidence. Hes been in and out of rehabs for the past three months three days five days 10 days his last one was 22 days and he was feeling good at all excited to be continuing his recovery at another facility. Hello everyone, helped me out when i thought my life is lost dont know where its going It all started when the father of my two kids left me and sworn never to have anything to do with me and all effort to get him back prove to be abortive and i decided to let things be the way they are cause i felt my life is lost dont know where its going. We live in an age where we are not content with settling. So from there we reconnected. I thought it was VERY MUCH FAIR considering that I could have made him divide everything in half and he would have had to pay for my attorney as well as pay me alimony but I am not stupid enough to think money or material things make you happy but apparently $$$ is the cause of his parents hatred towards me and the fact that he will avoid the whole truth. I did this to prove to her and myself that I love her and she was enough for me and although I had made a mistake in the past , I wanted to be with her and her exclusively. I get home the next day and she breaks up with me and says I am not in her future. Not a shared bottle of champagne to toast to our future. I was with this girl since Feb, 2012. All I want is for her to miss me and for her to swallow her pride and at least talk to me. Maybe you want to talk and not talk at the same time. Not that much for me. The therapist will say that they didnt know better and did the best they could with the tools at their disposal which is true. I acted a bit insane but its because every time I try to talk about us, she bring a up old stuff. I called this wedding off due to his drinking and drug use. She finally broke up with me after 9 months and now is very cold and distant. The key to having a good conversation during your first date is asking questions. It was caused by me my working out for 2 years prior and then one day going to workout to the point of exhaustion and I started feeling like I couldnt breathe and my heart raced and my nerves got so worked up I began to vomit. My life.He s a good partner will listen to you clothing was informal to talk anything! Best they could with the same that financial difficulties, job changes, and.. I still loved and missed her so much and she breaks up with me like couldnt... 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